Well everyone, it’s finally happened—Gary Coleman lost his virginity. The lucky woman was Shannon Price, who not only won the first aforementioned prize, but the second as well, which was Gar’s hand in marriage (third price is a night with Dana Plato). The whole thing happened back in August but was just made public yesterday, when the nuptial photographs were released. The Post notes that though the differentials are staggering—18 years and 11 inches—Price says her husband’s “sweet[ness]” makes him “10 feet tall,” in her eyes. I know what you’re thinking and my answer is this—who cares that there’s no business angle (or one that we can come up with, though I’m sure FBN and Jim Cramer’s US Weekly will shortly)? This is our happy story of the day, except for the part about C to the G possibly being an abusive husband (“He lets his anger conquer him sometimes," Price admitted. "He throws things around, and sometimes he throws it in my direction.") which we’re going to just chalk up to an effort on his part not to get too tall (in her eyes) for the door frame, or unresolved anger stemming from the time he almost got molested by the bicycle store owner who asked him to play 'Tarzan' with him.

The markets have been off to a rocky start this year but maybe the bulls can breath a sigh of relief now that the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue is on the newsstands with Marisa Miller on the cover. The folks over at Bespoke Investment have run the numbers and created a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Indicator. As it turns out, having an American on the cover is a bullish indicator.

“Over the last 30 years, an American has appeared on the cover of the annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue in 15 different years,” the Bespoken write. “The average performance of the S&P 500 during those 15 years is a gain of 13.9% with 13 positive years (87%). Of the fifteen years where no American appeared on the cover, the S&P 500 has averaged a gain of only 7.2% with 11 positive years (73%).”

The shorts should hope for Spanish speaking cover models. Issues featuring models from Argentina, Mexico and Spain all saw losses for the S&P 500 that year.

(Oh, and click image for a bigger version of the cover.)

2008 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue: It's Research! [Think Big via Eddy]

The above is a clip from Fox Business on which clothing trends don't work at the office. I disagree with all of them.

#1 FBN SAYS: Don't Overaccessorize because too much jewelry can make too much noise and just make you look plain silly. Wrong because: too few investment bankers dress like Mr. T these days. You see it at the hedge funds, because they're a little more, you know, out there, but not enough at the banks. Also, it's nice to announce yourself via jingle jangle instead of the vanilla, "Here I come."

#2 FBN SAYS: Don't Wear Leggings. Don't really say why, just that you should "go old-fashioned with tights or hose." I beg to differ but not for the reason you would think, which is that leggings are stupid, but because, as stated previously, I fully believe the fastest way to get to the top is no pants at all. If it's good enough for Leon Cooperman, it's good enough for you.

#3 FBN SAYS: Be Judicious About Your Shoes "Comfort is key, heels that are too high make you look like a skank blah blah blah." I call bullshit because: Hedge funds (and other financial institutions but for this particular example, HFs) are a dog eat dog world. It is a well known fact that Adam Sender first made a name not by savvy stockpicking, but by wearing KISS boots in the office, and spitting blood. Not only was it kick ass, it also added 13 inches to his height, putting him just under 6 feet.

Earlier: Getting You Promoted, One Pair Of Assless Chaps At A Time (Provided You Work For Larry Robbins)

At the most basic level, the critique of the ratings agencies seem to be that by assigning triple A ratings to riskier credit products, they concealed risk. This dismays the ratings agencies who believe that they never claimed every kind of credit product that bore the same label carried the same risk.

“Credit ratings are relative to the type of credit,” a credit rating official tells DealBreaker. “Different types of products have different inherent risks, and the labels reflect payment expectations within those categories.”

The ratings agencies have all but admitted, however, that by using the same labels for products carrying different levels of risk they may have left themselves open to the critique they now face. This is why they have proposed reforms such as explicit warnings and using different systems of rankings for different types of products.

By and large, Wall Street does not appear to have been fooled by the fact that CDOs and corporate bonds may have both been called AAA. The CDO market typically offered higher yields for triple A paper than the corporate debt market, implying that investors understood the risk profile was different. It wasn’t only the nature of the credit product that was heterogeneous. The pricing was as well.

--Thursday is Steve Schwarzman's birthday. He claims he doesn't want to do anything big, just a few close friends over to the manse, and if it turns be mostly couples, perhaps they'll put some keys in a bowl, but nothing too crazy. He's also supposedly telling people "no gifts"; this is a trap. You know he's full of it and if you don't READ HIS MIND and tally ho on over to Brookstone and snatch up one of those fancy $200 ass-hair trimmers he's been eyeing for months (sources say Crab Hands was just relating the other day how he needs to 'deforest the Schwarzwald') and hand deliver it to l'office, along with the perfectly worded card, you'll be looking at the business end of a hissy fit.

--The Fox Business commercial. Remember? We found out that it only costs $250-$900 to buy a 30-second spot on FBN, depending on when it airs, and delineated tasks to the group. I repeat: You: Make a video and send it to us. We: Pick the best and our publisher will send it to Fox's ad sales team. They: Either a) air it, and earn you a piece of quasi-immortality along such leading FBN lights as Fat Boy Cavuto; or b) shitcan it, and we'll reprint a transcript and audio clip of how Fox, who would blow a goat for a few extra shekels, all of a sudden got all 'integrity' on us. I love the idea of sending the ValueStockTips guy, and it may very well come to that but seriously, show me what you can do.

-- Goldman Sachs is still firing people. So sayeth:

A friend and associate in equity derivatives got let go from GS this morning. He's on his way to Maiden Lane to get his severance package. The reason? "Re-organization"

The source said the last thing he saw was a few schmattas throwing the guy in a car with Eddie Dane, who told him, "Everyone's so goddamn smart. Well, we'll go to Maiden Lane. And we'll see who's smart."

"All of us [banks] are really in the moving, not the storage, business.”

With those words the world learned yesterday that Credit Suisse had sold off its exposure to three closely syndicated loan deals—the buyouts of Harrah’s, Intelsat and Alliance Data Systems. Many in the syndicated loan business were taken aback that Credit Suisse had jumped the gun and sold off its exposure without consulting other syndicate members. Although the details are unclear, the effect today seems to be that others are following suit, bringing to market debt in a way to some say resembles a panic.

"There's a real panicky feel out there. It's become a game of hot potato," one syndicated loan market veteran told DealBreaker.

There's a lot of sensitivity around this issue, and many market players are declining to comment on it at all. There's talk that Clear Channel loans commitments may be in trouble. We're still digging.

Update: "80 is the new 90" for leveraged loans, FT Alphaville reports. This is putting pressure on CLOs, which are falling through the floor. Banks hold a lot of CLOs, especially the triple A CLOs they thought were the safest bets but may turn out to be worth far less than anticipated. They haven't disclosed much of these positions, according to FT Alphaville, because they were fully hedged. But here's the catch--they were fully hedged with swaps from bond insurers.

"Thus as monolines totter, banks are having to writedown the value of the CDS, and so add CLO exposures onto their balance sheets. Just at the wrong time - as CLOs’ paper becomes more distressed. While losses won’t be realised as severely as with RMBS, rating downgrades to CLO paper may well require banks to stump up extra regulatory capital at a time when they can least afford to," FT Alphaville reports.

Wall Street is notoriously a place populated by masters of the universe, big swinging dicks, movers and shakers, ballers and Men Who Make The World Work. Perhaps even more famously, it’s populated by people who believe that they can be fairly described in these terms, folks with egos scaled to match their bank accounts. It’s hardly uncharitable to notice that quite a few of these people can also be fairly described as “assholes.”

In fact, the list of Wall Street assholes is too long for anyone. We need to narrow it down to a list of the top ranks, the biggest assholes on Wall Street. We’re busy evaluating candidates here in the DealBreaker HQ Bunker, putting them up on cork boards like the FBI assembling a mafia management structure. But one of the glories of these here internets is that the communication goes both ways—from the Bunker to the Street, and from the Street to the Bunker. Starting this morning we’re taking your nominations for the first official DealBreaker list of the Biggest Assholes On Wall Street.

Send your nominations to tips@Dealbreaker.com or nominate someone in the comments section. A helpful explanation for why the nominee deserves to be ranked among Wall Street’s Bigs is appreciated. Extra credit will be award for first hand accounts of assholery.

The best-known employee of Avenue Capital announced that she isn’t happy with their health care plan yesterday. Chelsea Clinton, who works for the hedge fund, mentioned that she had problems with Avenue Capital’s health care plan on a MSNBC appearance broadcast from Milwaukee.

"If you have health care and you're not happy with it -- like me who has employer provided health care, but I'm not happy with it -- and if you are one of the 100 million who are uninsured at some point throughout the year... you'll be able to buy into a Congressional health plan," Chelsea Clinton said, according to the Politico blog.

Ouch. You employ the daughter of a former and a prospective president, and this is the thanks you get?

Note to Avenue Capital [Politico]