$$$Craigslist offers its two-cents on the Top Scumbag Professions:"stock broker -- requires no knowledge of markets, just the ability to sell you a dead cat in a box, while making you think you got a great find." And our To-Do list for today is suddenly much lighter. [Craiglist]

$$$The Chocolate Phone has arrived. Buy it and try to win back the respect that was lost the day you were revealed to be the only one at the West Garden Spa without the Q. Plebe. [engadget]

We've been spending some time trying to clear away the murk and shine some light into the shadows of Jeffrey Epstein's financial dealings in an effort to provide some, uhm, actual financial reporting related to the sex candal encircling the mysterious money manager. There's not much that is publicly available but we're still digging.

What we have discovered, however, is a brief document amending a credit agreement for RELIANT PHARMACEUTICALS, INC. The amendment replaces the administrative agent for the credit. But what caught our eye was the confluence of three DealBreaker subjects all in the same documents.

The signature pages include lines for Morgan Stanley CEO John Mack, who is scheduled to appear before the SEC in connection with allegations of insider trading at Pequot Capital, as well at Jeffrey Epstein, who signs as trustee of the Wexner Children's Trust II, part of the financial empire of The Limited founding family. And the agent who is being replaced? Goldman Sachs, where alleged insider trading crooks Eugene Plotkin and David Pajcin worked (not to mention the alma mater of that other DealBreaker obsession, Hank Paulson).

Now this is no doubt just a coincidence, and not really a conspiracy to make our heads explode. We should probably just take a deep breath and then post a Venn Diagram illustrating the connections but our diagramist is in meetings off-site.

One additional thought: this is probably the last time you'll see Epstein's name coupled with the words "trust" and "children" any time in the near future.

Reliant Consent, waiver and amendment [SEC]

Does the fact that Jeffrey Epstein taught high school math and physics at Dalton for three years creep anyone else out? Unless you've been depending on the New York Times for your news, by now you know that Jeffrey Epstein has been charged with felony solicitation of prostitution rather than even more serious charges of molestation and sex with minors. But the facts alleged in the police affidavit released on the Smoking Gun clearly spell out a taste for getting young, high school age girls to co-operate in some pretty raunchy scenarios. This raises the question: how long has this been going on?*

Did you go to Dalton in the mid-seventies? Epstein taught there from 1973 through 1975, when he left to take a job at Bear Stearns. We'd love to hear from you if you remember Epstein from those years, whatever your impressions-good, bad, ugly or totally perverse. Unless otherwise indicated, we'll keep your comments completely anonymous. Send your comments to tips(at)dealbreaker(dot)com.

[* Editors Note: We know, we know. It may not have gone on at all. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty. God loves all his little creatures. The allegations and charges are serious, though, and we don't think it's too early to start asking these questions.]

Our choice of Lydia Hearst-Shaw as the hottest of the hot billionaire heiress babes seems to be controversial. To resolve the matter, we've created a new reader poll. Here's how it works. First click here for the Forbes list of billionaire heiresses, then vote for the most hottest money honey below.

Dick Grasso will likely lose one of the most powerful forces he has on his side -Williams & Connolly attorney Brendan Sullivan. A recent ruling moving the trial date up to September from late October, probably means that Sullivan, who famously represented Oliver North in the Iran-Contra hearings, will not be able to serve as lead attorney at trial, according to CNBC's Charlie Gasparino. Sullivan is already set to represent another client in a trial scheduled for the same time.

Surprisingly, Grasso may ultimately benefit from the new date. Lawyers working for Attorney General Eliot Spitzer have complained that the new date doesn't give them enough time to prepare for the case.

Oh, and the headline comes from Sullivan's famous reply to lawmakers who complained he was objecting too much to their questions to Colonel North. "I'm not a potted plant. I'm here as a lawyer. That's my job," Sullivan said. Reportedly, the guy now running Grasso's defense, Gerson Zweifach, is not potted plant either.

Grasso loses Brendan Sullivan [SquawkBlog]

Regular readers are no doubt familiar with our concern for rich, beautiful women. We earlier linked to a Forbes' list of billionaires under 35, which unfortunately included very few women. But just because a girl isn't a billionaire yet, doesn't mean she won't be soon. Like when her parent units kick off for that great country club in Hell. So which hotties are destined for fortune? The latest Forbes list brings us "The Hottest Billionaire Heiresses."

We're kind of partial to Lydia Hearst-Shaw (pictured left) but that's probably more evidence of a sickness within our souls than anything intrinsically wonderful about our Lydia.

The Hottest Billionaire Heiresses [Forbes]

Citigroup scored a major coup on Friday, taking an entire team of bankers specializing in financial services deals from Lehman brothers. The defectors are led by Henry Michaels and John Roddy, and includes director Jerry Wiant, VP Sean Burke and associates John Minor and Donald Lacey. The best part--or at least a really great part of the deal--is that whole group isn't starting for a month, after taking a thirty day break to comply with exisiting non-compete agreements.

Contractually obligatory summer vacations. So effin hot.

Citigroup Hires Six FIG Bankers From Lehman [Dow Jones Wire on CNNMoney.Com]

Why are Mark Green and Eliot Spitzer handing $60,000.00 over to alleged money manager cum massage masturbator Jeffrey Epstein? It's pretty standard procedure these days for politicians to send back contributions from donors accused of crime or mired in scandal, and we guess allegations of soliciting prostitution, paying for naked massages from teenagers, human trafficking and all around pervy weirdness qualify. But is sending the check back really the right move here? Wouldn't it be better to donate the money to a worthy cause, such a home for sexually abused children? Why should Epstein be enriched by these allegations?

Let's put it this way. By sending back Epstein's $10,000 donation, Attorney General candidate Green just bought Epstein 50 sessions with local highshool girls at $200 a pop.

Dirty donor to get 10G back: Green [Daily News]

We're told that the dirty little nymph in this picture is Sarah Kellen, the personal assistant of Jeffrey Epstein who is alleged to have arranged many of her boss's alleged naked massage sessions with teenage girls. The woman in this picture bears a striking resemblance to confirmed pictures of Kellen, including one where she is pictured palling around with Epstein's alleged eastern European sex-slave Nadia Marcinkova. Kellen could not be reached for comment.

More pictures of Sarah Kellen (probably) on the link below.

Sarah Kellen? [Strobe Models]

We've said it before and we don't mind repeating ourselves. Barry Ritholtz takes down financial writers like it's his job. This time he's taking on an article from Sunday's New York Times in which Ed Yardeni tells us to ignore the reported numbers on jobs growth because, well, uhm, because so many economists thought the numbers would be higher. And all those economists can't be wrong, can they?

The Cognitive Bias of Ed Yardeni [The Big Picture]

Has it been four years already? The little monster brought into the world following the financial scandals and collapsing business in the first years of the twenty-first century turns four today.

This CFO.com column describes the business world's evolving reaction to SOX in the language of a grief counselor-"first shock and anger, then acceptance, and finally a sense of moving on."

Not surprisingly, it's been a lot easier for large companies to move from one stage to the other, while smaller, newer companies get hit much harder by the cost of increased overhead. The total estimated cost of complying with the regs? An astounding $17.6 billion dollars.

Happy Birthday, Sarbox!

Hollywood Agents (Oligopoly Watch)
If you caught last night's episode of Entourage, then you already know the lesson here. The world of Hollywood agencies is a tight oligopoly, with little inclination to see a new competitor. It's actually, what's dubbed an "ologonomy", since the firms are both an oligopoly (they sell talent to the studios) and oligopsonies (they control who becomes a talent, who gets in their doors). And it's only consolidating as ICM, one of the big five, has bought slightly smaller rival Broder Webb Chervin Silbermann Agency. The other big ones, including Endeavor, William Morris, Creative Artists Agency, and United Talent Agency may also look to pursue M&A. So with such a tightly controlled business, and what you can assume are some pretty fat profit margins, you can understand how disturbed they'd be at the emergence of an Ari Gold talent agency, or, as it were, a Miller/Gold agency. And, reminder, we already referenced Entourage at the top and that's a picture of actor Jeremy Piven, so we're not falling into any Joe Kernan trap here.

Official Union Set Up in China at Wal-Mart (NYT)
First it was Maryland, then Chicago, then perhaps Boston, now China is the latest place to regulate to seek labor concessions from Wal-Mart. The country demands that the All-China Federation of Trade Unions be allowed to set up branches within Wal-Mart, representing employees. And unlike Maryland, there's probably no court that Wal-Mart can turn to to get the order over ruled on the grounds of constitutionality. That being said, the All-China Federation of Trade Unions might not be very hostile to the company; it has a reputation for siding with management on issues, particularly since the state-backed union is eager to attract foreign capital. For its part, Wal-Mart hopes to have a "cordial and productive relationship" with it.

A Revitalized US Airways Is Creating a Merger Buzz (NYT)
The overall market remains on shaky ground, but some of the big winners this year are companies we might have left for dead in 2005. GM's the biggest, but US Airways is another company exhibiting a surprising reversal of fortune. The company's shares have surged since it merged with America West and it earned a substantial, genuine profit in its most recent earnings report, which came out last week. The company is now the second most profitable airline, after Southwest. This of course will only fuel the calls for consolidation in the space, though these calls have been around for a while. Still, despite the seductiveness of this idea, it's hard to pull off airline M&A. See, airlines don't mix well for a number of reasons. For one thing, at the labor level, pilot seniority means everything. Where you stand on the list determines your flights, pay, vacations, etc. When you mix two lists of pilots, things get icky. Then there's the fleets, which if they're much different can create new waves of headaches. And of course, you'd like to find an airline with complementary locations, so not every potential partner is really viable. So despite the calls and demands from Wall St., which would love to advise on some of these deals, we'll remain leery that much will happen.

Stocks headed for early pullback (CNNMoney)
It's hard to wake up on a Monday morning, but the day holds its own allure for followers of financial markets, as we eagerly scan the headlines to see what big deals were closed over the weekend. Lately, we've seen several 'Merger Mondays', but this morning seems awfully quiet on this front, which is disappointing. Most people will wonder why they didn't hit snooze one more time. In turn, there's probably not going to be a merger-driven rally today. There may be a rally, but not one fueled by an otherwise suspect deal. And if you believe the crystal ball readers, there won't be any rally today, due to tensions in the Mid-East, which despite the fact that they were escalated all of last week, somehow couldn't permeate US markets. And there's a lot of economic data on tap for this week too, which may only confirm that we're headed to, er, a soft landing.

It has been quite a week here at DealBreaker. Lawsuits, bashed-up bankers, Senate hearings, scandals, backdating, prostitution and human trafficking. We are about to take a badly needed weekend of rest, relaxation and toxic substance abuse. But before we close up shop and head out for the hinterlands, here's a reminder of some of the juicy goodness you drank down at DealBreaker this week.

Jeffrey Epstein's Assistant: Your first look at a non-boring photo of Jeffrey Epstein's alleged sex slave. And then your first look at a second one! (Also note the demur headline we gave this item. We were going to call it "Sex, Slavery, Strap-Ons, Lesbian Under Age Prostitution Perversion and Other Habits of the Modern Money Manager" but that's too long for a headline).

Eat Bacon: Andy Kessler tells us the whole cholesterol thing is a scam!

Langone Smacks Spitzer: Only on DealBreaker could you find the entire text of Ken Langone's biting memo supporting his motion to dismiss Spitzer's case against him.

Planespotting: That NYSE jet keeps going back and forth to San Francisco. We have no idea why so we just take our best guess.

Hedge Fund Hearing: The hearing was boring and long. We tell you what happened and make a couple of jokes.

Marketplace: Coke is dirt cheap in Belgium. Expensive in Scandinavia. Arbitrage anyone?

Court Room Drama: Bess Levin goes to court to watch Langone's lawyers get smacked down by Judge Ramos. Bess (hearts) Ramos.

Planespotting: MTV's plane went somewhere. So did Ted Turner. Jane Fonda is making movie with Lindsay Lohan that we will never watch.

$$$6'0 190 lbs investment banker seeks part-time job as next Dirk Diggler. But with more private-equity know-how. [craiglist]

$$$Need a little incentive to continue the self-imposed, handcuffed to the desk (and not in the good way), 80 hour work weeks? Try this on for size. Or maybe just the first floor. Or the foyer. Or the driveway. [Born Rich]

$$$LB, GS, ML slackers: keep racking up those poor performances every month and this could be you by the new year; the babysitter of a 12 year old coke-addict, living in an apartment furnished exclusively by Urban Outfitters. And with Hebe-Hair that just sits there and mocks you. [Cobrasnake]

$$$Alternatively, be a good little worker bee and you could one day be the proprietor of this.

Our earlier post on Nadia Marcinkova was written on the assumption that unlike the young girls Jeffrey Epstein is alleged to have paid to strip and massaged him while he pawed at them and masturbated into a towel, the eastern european blonde was a different kind of participant. Older, more sophisticated, at least a little lezzy and wearing stap-on dildos. That sort of thing. Just the sort of woman you'd imagine an evil villain would keep as his mistress.

As it turns out, that sort of woman probably only exists in fiction. Gawker is now reporting that according to a previously unpublished Palm Beach police document, Epstein bragged that he purchased Nadia from her family in Yugoslavia, and that she was his sex slave. So she may be another victim of Epstein's alleged sex-and girls-for-money racket.

The weird thing is that Nadia seems to have at least once held a job at Douglas Elliman. Did Epstein set up his alleged sex slave as a real estate agent? Isn't being a sex slave at least a full time job?

[Oh. And yeah. Alleged. Alleged. Allegedallegedallegedallegedtoinfinity. Epstein hasn't been found guilty of anything and it's up to the government to prove its case against him.]

Exclusive: Jeffrey Epstein's Sex Slave [Gawker]

Fortune's Marcia Vickers got all tarted up in a slinky black dress and her sexiest heels to attend, uhm, a conference on start-up hedge funds. So what kind of folks go to these things?

I first noticed Claudette, six feet tall in stiletto heels and sporting fire-truck-red lipstick and a five-alarm personality. Word spread she had "$50 million to invest from clients in the Middle East."

Then there was Henry. He ran an astrology mutual fund. If, say, the moon was eclipsing Uranus, I'm guessing that might mean switching from stocks to pork bellies. He was going to use the same strategy for his hedge fund, which would- - duh! - be easier to market than a boring mutual fund.

Hanging out by the doughnuts were two guys, both in their late 20s, who had cut their teeth at the same bucket shop on Long Island years ago along with "93 guys doing ropes of cocaine" under the tutelage of a Mob guy with "a missing pointer finger." They fondly recalled phone sales scripts they used in pump-and-dump schemes, e.g., "Your mind is like a parachute - it only works when it's open!" They were both starting "black box" funds.
Then I chatted with Mark, a gung-ho kid in his early 20s who was starting a "complex derivatives fund" with "a friend from MIT." He says that after reading George Soros's book The Alchemy of Finance, "I was hooked on trading!" He then admits he hasn't traded anything. Ever.

Poor Marcia. All dressed up and no one to hand her $20 million to invest. At least it looks like we didn't miss much by skipping the conference. Last time we met a hot chick with "money from the Middle East" we ended up nearly getting our asses kicked by Lebanese kids with lots of ecstasy to sell.

Start your own hedge fund [Fortune on CnnMoney.com]

Gary Weiss, author of Wall Street Versus America, listened to the Overstock.Com conference call so you wouldn't have to. Not surprisingly, CEO Patrick Byrne found time to talk about things other than his company's $0.78 per share net loss in the second quarter. Things like dastardly short-sellers and how shareholders might prevent them from pushing the value of their stock down even further.

We'll leave the details for you to read by clicking through to Gary's blog on the link below. But if you're as lazy as we are on Fridays, you might appreciate skipping right to the conclusion.

Byrne's gambit won't work, by the way. History has proven that the only proven method of pushing up the share prices of bad companies is that they stop being bad. And Byrne just hasn't figured out a way to do that.

Burn! (As DealBreaker cub reporter Bess Levin likes to say.)

Byrne's Latest Gambit
[Gary-Weiss.Com]

Without a doubt, the absolutely raunchiest part of the Epstein affadavit stars a mysterious young woman named "Nada Marcinkova." Lesbian strap-on raunchiness, ending in something that sounds to us a little bit like rape. We get all the details but no explanation of who Marcinkova is or what her relationship with Epstein was. She's not one of his high school victims, and doesn't seem to have talked to the police. But it somehow seems fitting that this mysterious money manager to the billionaires would have an unknown Czech sex puppet lying around somewhere.

Gawker identified her in a NY Social Diary photo where Nadia (far left) is palling around with Epstein's pimp assistant Sarah Kellen (right).

Here she looks very respectable. Not at all like the "large rubber penis" wielding girl we know from the affadavit. Surely there's a more representative photo.

Of course there is. After the jump, check out Nadia looking a little more, uhm, severe, sexy and ready to get it on. And we'll throw in the raunchy portion of the affadavit below for your, uhm, reading pleasure.

Crime/Fraud/Legal/Investigations/Inquiries:
The IRS investigating 40 companies for backdating [legal]
Feds investigating Sanofi-Aventis and Bristol-Myers Squibb for possible anti-competitive drug deal [legal]
Kazaa settlement with record and movie industry [legal]
Rambus settles with Hynix Semiconductor [legal]
Three charged with leaving fake insider tips on answering machines [legal]
Trading before big takeovers may point to leakage [legal]
Banned Brit trader Philippe Jabre drops his appeal against Brit finance authorities [legal]

M&A: [? = not yet closed, problems with the deal, lingering questions, etc.]
Man Grouptakes 70% of Eurex
Vista Capital and Carlyle Group + Grupo Emisor Iberostar
Barclays Capital and Permira bid for McCarthy & Stone

Earnings:
NYSE: LINK

For Sale:
Michael Foods: LINK
YouTube: LINK

Money Raising:
Intelleflex raises $15.5M $$
New biotechie Seredigm has investors$
Emphasys Medical pulls in $18.4M $$
Anulex Technologies scores nearly $20M$$
Homewreckers Nuprecon gets financing from Evergreen Pacific Partners. $$
Diomed Holdings looking for $10M $$

People & Moves:
Pfizer close to choosing next CEO LINK

Miscellaneous:
EMC and Symantec: hunting for acquisitions: LINK
Hedge fund proxy battle for baseball card maker Topps: LINK
News Corp's wild weekend getaway: LINK
Annoying boomer bosses think they are rockstars: LINK
Amazon buys rights to make movie: LINK
VC money going to more established companies: LINK
Ebay vets doing interesting things: LINK
LBO shops: fast-bucksters or turnaround artists? LINK
Wachovia ditches Lebanese bank over Hezbollah ties LINK

If you spend even a few moments reading the probable cause affidavit detailing mysterious money manager Jeffrey Epstein's alleged penchant for paying naked teenagers to massage him while he, uhm, whacked-off, everything else you read about him starts to seem creepy too.

There's the now famous line in New York magazine's profile. You know, the one where Donald Trump is quoted as saying about Epstein, "He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it -- Jeffrey enjoys his social life." Wow. That's awkward now.

But it doesn't stop there. One thing that's clear from the affidavit is that Epstein's assistant Sarah Kellen is alleged to have played a central role in procuring the high school girls who rubbed him down for a couple of hundred dollars a pop. She's said to have called the girls when Epstein was in town, got them situated in his bedroom and even passed around refreshing beverages for the girls to enjoy.

As it turns out, one of the rare journalism interviews Epstein has given involved his executive assistants. The New York Times story "Working for Top Bosses on Wall St. Has Its Perks" (cough, pimping, cough) is now hidden safely from prying eyes behind the Times Select firewall but DealBreaker has boldy shelled out the Abe Lincoln to bring the story to our readers. After the jump, we bring you the excerpts with emphasis and nasty asides added.

The SEC named three Croatians to the list of defendants in the civil lawsuit it filed over the insider-trading racket alleged to have been led by former Goldman Sachs associate Eugene Plotkin and analyst David Pajcin, bringing the total number of defendants to seventeen. The new defendants are Bruno Verinac, Antun Dilber and Anto Krsic.

Seventeen is almost a mind-boggling number of defendants. What kind of secretive conspiracy involves everyone you know? Was there anyone close to Plotkin and Pajcin they weren't tipping?

SEC Charges 3 More for Insider Trading [Associated Press in the Houston Chronicle]

Earlier this week, we pointed out that our British friends were talking about the indictment of the NatWest 3 as if it had something to do with the Iraq war. Psychologically, the two had become linked, demonstrating that America was out of control and that the UK had some how become subservient to our rampages.

That sounded a little paranoid. Even far-fetched. So we were glad to see confirmation in the Scotsman that this really is the way some Mud Islanders think about things. It's all here-an irrational America, an acquiescent UK, the Middle East, the jailed bankers. Somehow all connected in the murky mind of writer Stephen Jardine.

The Middle East lies at the heart of the tension. Traditionally, Britain follows its own agenda in the area but as chaos continues in Iraq, in policy terms we're now increasingly tied to America's coat tails throughout the region. And even here at home, no-one is safe from harm. What Uncle Sam wants, he gets.

This week I've been in Texas interviewing the Scots businessman caught up in the collapse of America's biggest corporation. Gary Mulgrew and two colleagues allegedly took part in illegal transactions linked to Enron while they worked in Britain for the NatWest Bank.

Any crime was substantially committed here but that didn't stop America applying for extradition. Even though the United States hasn't yet ratified the treaty, the British Government happily handed the NatWest Three over on the basis of the charges made, but no evidence.

Are Deal Makers On Wall Street Leaking Secrets? (WSJ)
It took until Friday, but the Wall Street Journal finally took the crown for the most painfully naïve headline of the week. Asking whether Wall Street leaks secrets is like, well, asking any other obvious question you could think of. The article in question is prompted by some unusual action in derivatives of HCA, which bounced around a lot the week before the deal was announced. Hello, everyone had some sense that a deal was happening with HCA. In fact, most buyouts these days are preceded by days of rumors, or "chatter". Certainly, after the deal happens, there's no shortage of industry analysts ready to jump on the tube saying they'd heard rumors of this for awhile. And in a case like HCA, with so many parties involved, right down to the Senate Majority Leader (ok, he probably wasn't involved directly), it would be amazing if word hadn't been leaked. That might be cause for a story. Of course, anyone aggressively bidding up shares in the week leading up to a major buyout probably has what's coming to them -- yeah, that's not obvious at all.

Critics jump on big oil's huge profits (Chicago Tribune)
A few days ago we wondered why he hadn't hear much out of our finest Senators about price caps or a windfall profits tax. That was a thought. Duh; it's because earnings for big oil hadn't come out yet and so there wasn't any fresh news to be enraged about. Now, however, the earnings are trickling out and surprisingly, record profits happen to coincide with record prices at the pump. First off, all kudos to Exxon for cracking the $10 billion mark on their earnings. The company came just shy of this number in their last quarterly report, prompting some to wonder why they didn't cook the books just a little to hit the mark. So now we can expect another round of outrage -- Chuck Schumer should be chiming in any moment now. Fortunately, it should die down in a few weeks, at least until next earnings season.

Councilors say they'll explore a city wage bill (Boston Globe)
Apparently, Chicago had all of the other big cities over for dinner. But it served some spoiled fish, and they all went home with food poisoning. After the Windy City's move to require Wal-Mart to pay a so-called living wage to its employees, it seems like other cities may look to do the same. Two councilmen in Boston said they're interested in passing a similar ordinance so that the local $6.75 minimum wage doesn't apply to big-box retailers. Councilman Felx Arroyo said he plans to reach out to local labor leaders and see if they're interested in such a plan. Answer: yes. He said "There's no reason why we the City of Boston should accept workers being underpaid". At the moment there are no Wal-Marts in Boston, so it would only affect those bastions of yuppie retailing, Target and Home Depot. Besides, we always felt Wal-Mart was just better suited for exits on the side of the highway.

Microsoft acquires more, but R&D still the focus (Reuters)
Over the years, Microsoft management has been seen as a good steward of shareholder money, because it never went out and made wildly overpriced acquisitions just to boost the company's heft. Now, in the past couple of years, as Microsoft's competitive advantage has started to erode, the company has given into the temptation a bit more. In fact, it's acquired a Cisco-like 23 companies over the past year. Still, management insists this isn't a change of strategy. None of these buyouts have been major, averaging around $30 million a piece, and this buyout expenditure is still dwarfed by R&D and internal investment. Still, it seems the company has opted for the lazy route in filling holes in its product line.

Per bottle-smashing and fisticuffs-throwing John Washington, we thought you might also enjoy listing JW as a facebook friend and subsequently perusing his favorite movies, books and quotes. For your voyeuristic pleasure.

The other day, one of you lovely and doting Planespotting devotees-"Bad Boy" to be exact-left the following comment, in reference to Tuesday's post, Planespotting: John Thain, Maple Syrup, Sprinkles: The Decided Lack Thereof:

"If I had my way, I'd never work. I'd just stay home all day, watch Scarface 50 times, eat a turkey sandwich, and have sex all fucking day. Then I'd dress up like a clown, and surprise kids at schools...that's funny to me. Then I'd paint, and read, and play violin. I'd climb the mountains, and sing the songs that I like to sing. But I don't got that kinda time."

And that got us thinking; are there other people out there-you know, celebrities, like us-who live in fear of someone jumping out from behind a parked car when they leave their building and being beaten to death with a well-worn nine-iron (and knowing that afterwards, their names will be crossed off a list-in blood-and red lipstick will be smeared on the lips of the attacker, who, oddly enough, strongly resembles Steve Buscemi)? Surely there must be. Case in point: today's Planespotees. Ted Turner, Vanessa Minnillo, Paris Hilton, William Clay "Bill" Ford, Jr. All have good reasons to watch their backs. Why they're recklessly trotting the globe in their Cessnas and their Pipers and their fancy Piper Cherokees, we have no idea. Maybe they'll heed our warning this time, maybe they won't. Just don't come crying to us when you're staring at the business end of a snug-fitting body bag, T, V, P, F comma Dubs.

We're starting to pull together some facts about John Washington, the man French police are searching for bashing an American investment banker over the head with a champagne bottle. And what we're learning is that he is weird. Creepy weird.

ITEM: Washington calls himself "The President of Pop." As in pop-music. And he claims the music on his website is the most downloaded music on the internet.
ITEM: Washington sometimes refers to himself as "No-1."
ITEM: He seems to be really, really passionate about pop music.
ITEM: Washington once debated at the Oxford Union in favor of abolishing the English monarchy. (Okay, that's not so weird.)
ITEM: Washington claims to be descended from one of George Washington's brothers, and to have inherited the founding father's place in the Society of Cincinnatus.
ITEM: Washington seems to have convinced some fellow students at Oxford that he is famous and prestigious here in America. Some have even gone so far as to wonder whether he has some sort of diplomatic immunity that will protect him from being arrested for the assault.

Developing.

[Editor's note: That top picture is Washington, we think. Below left is bottling victim Colin Hall. Below right is the girl who allegedly inspired the attack, Laura Clegg.]

Who is the President of Pop?!? [popmusic.com]

We don't know anything about this movie except what we learned from the trailer. It seems to be the usual story of a man torn between a life of high finance and wealth, on the one hand, and a slower paced life in the country, on the other. Fair enough. But the twist here is that the banker's place in the country is a vineyard in the French countryside. We guess that sort of takes the sting out of having to leave your job as head of the trading floor.

Is Lazard CEO Bruce Wasserstein seriously ill? That's what people are telling Peter Cohan.

According to my source, a few weeks after the tragic death of his beloved sister Wendy, from lymphoma, and just after delivering his infamous report on Time Warner Inc. (NYSE: TWX), Bruce went into hiding for some eight weeks. He has lost 50 pounds and is said to look like a wobbly, 75-year-old. Bruce is 58 and has always been portly. He is apparently now back at work at Lazard and is to give a speech today.

Has anyone seen Bruce lately? Send denials or confirmations to tips(at)dealbreaker.com or leave them in the comments below.

Rumor: Is Lazard CEO Bruce Wasserstein seriously ill? [Blogging Stocks]

Marketwatch has more details on the Embassy Suites hotel in Battery Park that Goldman Sachs is reportedly buying, including new speculation on what Goldman might be planning for the site.

Robert Sammons, director of research at real estate brokerage firm Colliers ABR, said the sale would allow Goldman to control the entire block once its new headquarters opens in 2009.

"It's right next door to their new building, and they can use the hotel for their own people if need be and for bringing in people from outside for events," he said. However, he speculates that - more importantly - the acquisition will give Goldman the option to demolish and redevelop the property down the road so that it can add on to its corporate headquarters as the firm grows.

Goldman Sachs in talks to buy hotel complex in downtown New York City [Market Watch]

Crime/Fraud/Legal/Investigations/Inquiries:
Canadian company alleges hedge fund dirty tricks [legal]
Investment banks paying out to settle Global Crossing shareholder lawsuit [legal]
Ski patrol scammer's shops must pay victims [legal]
SEC adopts executive pay disclosure rule [legal]
Battle for the board of ketchup company heats up [legal]
Testimony of two KPMG partners excluded by judge who finds they were coerced by prosecutors [legal]
Ban on BetonSports taking US bets extended [legal]
Visa, Mastercard reach$336M settlement agreement in class action suit [legal]

M&A: [? = not yet closed, problems with the deal, lingering questions, etc.]
Gaz de France+ Suez debated by French government: ?
Phelps Dodge + Falconbridge: ?
Microsoft + Azyxxi
Actavis + Pliva: ?
Serono +for ???
HSBC + Westpac's domestic custodian biz
Gain + Refco currency trading biz
EMI + Warner
Francisco Partners + Ex Libris

For Sale:
IMAX: LINK
N.E.W. Customer Service: LINK
Jones Apparel Group: LINK
Apparently there is something called Trump Magazine: LINK
Lenin's Russian electrical legacy LINK

Money Raising:
Digital Chocolate raised $22.5M $$
Snapvine snags $2M $
Planitax lands $5M $
Garageband.com scores $2.5M $

Miscellaneous:
How exactly Ferrovial's acquisition BAA being financed anyway? LINK
2nd biggest pre-public investor in NYSE is buying a stake in Chicago Board of Options Exchange: LINK
Big deal, smaller club: LINK
60-year hybrid bond: LINK

We were beginning to feel lonely around here. For the past couple of weeks we felt like we were the only folks who remembered that former SEC investigator Gary Aguirre had gone before a Senate committee and alleged political corruption at the SEC. Even the banking committee, which allegedly has oversight responsibility over the SEC, didn't seem to care.

Well, it looks like Aguirre has a friend in Senator Arlen Specter.

Specter is expected to question Cox on a number of issues involving Aguirre's investigation, but also the broader issue of how well the commission investigates hedge funds, according to people close to the matter. These people say that while Aguirre doesn't appear to have a smoking gun that points to Mack violating insider trading laws, Specter believes that the agency erred in not taking Mack's testimony earlier, and will likely point that out during the meeting.

We're decidedly ignorant when it comes to people who have job titles like "Senator." That may or not be a good thing. Maybe knowing something about those types would help us understand the world better. But the cost of paying attention and seeing through the spin seems enormous. So our ignorance is probably pretty rational.

So we can't help the Big Picture. But maybe you can. Here's today's inquiry.

Its easy to point fingers, but let's get to the heart of the matter -- how much of the present inflation is due to ultra low rates? Huge deficits? Unfunded tax cuts?

Phrased differently, who is more responsible for the present inflationary run up -- Bernanke or Bunning's Congressional Colleagues?

The government added three more people to the defendant list in the insider trading case centered around Eugene Plotkin, David Pajcin and Stan Shpigelman. Eugene and David were both Goldman guys, and the younger Stan was an analyst at Merrill. The plot, which was allegedly hatched in a downtown Russian bathhouse, now spans two continents, at least three countries, and includes players as diverse as strippers, Eastern European relatives, a mailman serving on a potentially important business trial and guys working the shipping decks at the plant where Business Week is printed.

SEC adds three more to the insider trading defendants list [WallStFolly]

Growth Slowing Across the Country, Fed Regional Reports Say (NYT)
Well, is it here? This quarter we saw the first steady stream of disappointing earnings, at least from the major tech companies, and now the results of some regional Fed surveys are in, suggesting that growth is slowing in various parts of the country. So maybe we're on the verge of a recession soft landing. Car and home sales appear to be slowing in many parts of the country, while tourism in New York is less robust than in recent times. Meanwhile, retailers in Philadelphia and the Midwest also were indicating softness. So remember when everyone was talking about stagflation a few weeks ago, well here may be the stag part.

Pay Rules Adopted by S.E.C. (NYT)
For those who adhere to the Louis Brandeis maxim, that the sunlight is the best disinfectant, this new regulation for you. The SEC voted unanimously to require greater transparency when executives are given perks, options, lump-sum pay, etc. All told, it will likely apply to about 3,500 employees at public companies, though there's still uncertainty over whether the law will apply to highly-paid, non-executive employees, such as Kate Couric. Recently, the SEC had signalled no, but at this point the commission has decided to review the issue at a later point.

Council defies Daley, OKs 'living wage' (Chicago Sun-Times)
The so-called big-box retailers won a major victory in court last week, when a judge threw out a Maryland law requiring Wal-Mart to devote a certain amount of its labor expenses to healthcare. But, it appears they've suffered a major defeat again, as the Chicago City Council passed a requirement compelling big-box retailers to pay a 'living wage' by the year 2010. Specifically, stores like Target and Wal-Mart must pay at least $10/hour in salary and another $3/hour in benefits. The resolution passed with a veto-proof majority, over the objections of Mayor Daley. Should be interesting to see whether the stores pull out of the Chicago market. Of course, this is the same city that wants to ban not just smoking, but any unhealthy food.

How farms stymied Doha (Christian Science Monitor)
All week there's been talk about what can be done to move the WTO process further. At the moment, the developed world just doesn't have the political will to get rid of the agriculture subsidies that keep third-world farmers poor and understandably bitter about so-called free trade. After the talks collapsed, India announced it would pursue a series of bilateral accords, but these will only go so far. The fact remains that the agricultural lobby in the US and the EU remains incredibly strong. It helps that many who don't work in the agriculture industry have this idyllic notion of dwindling but proud family farms, as opposed to the reality, which is ADM. Still, if we could only let a few thousand more farms die -- or however many disappear every minute according to the commercials -- maybe they'll be weakened to the point that we can do something on trade.

From UPI:

Soul singer James Brown filed a suit in New York's Supreme Court against banker David Pullman, who initiated "Bowie Bonds," saying Pullman had blown a deal.

Brown claimed in the suit filed Monday that Pullman had not put through a loan the singer needed for bonds. But Pullman claimed he was owed money, the New York Post reported.

Pullman earned a reputation as a creative financier when he advised singer David Bowie to issue bonds using future royalties as security.

Or, as the hardest working man in showbiz once said himself:

Sold me out, for chicken change (yes you did!!)
Told me that they, they had it all arranged
You had me down, and thats a fact
Now you punk, You gotta get ready
For the big payback!! (the big payback!!)
That's where I am, the big payback (the big payback!!)

James Brown sues banker over deal [UPI]

[Editor's Note: Sometimes we like to take a break from our usual extorting- insiders and flattering-anonymous-sources style of journalism to get out of DealBreaker HQ and pound the pavement. You know, do some real shoe-leather reporting. Like crashing Donald Trump's party.. So this morning, instead of just sending DealBreaker cub reporter Bess Levin out for coffee and cigarettes, we sent her to the Spitzer v. Langone hearing down on Center Street. Her report follows.]

My watch set off the metal detector, but that was to be expected-fine TAG Heuer ("Tag Hoy-Yer") craftsmanship often does. I was looking for Room 238, and decided to make the city of New York work for its money: "Excuse me, I'm look for Room 238" I said in my most grownup voice. "Take aina elevator to the second floor," the man with the uncanny resemblance to Jim Cramer (post Mystic Tan) replied. "I'm sorry, which elevator?" I tried to clarify. "A-N-Y elevator" the figure who I can only assume was acting as some sort of a translator offered.

[Bess Levin's report continues after the jump, the jump, the lovely lady jump]

We tend to ignore some of oompah-loompah types that actually make Wall Street run, focusing more on the Willy Wonkas and all the little brattles bound to perish in his candy factory. It's not because we hate the oompahs. It's because they scare us.

Fortunately, we're not the only bloggers with finance backgrounds, and the fine folks at WallStreetTechDaily.Com have more guts than us. Launching today, WSTD is focused on the most oompahism gang off all-the IT folks. Here's their introductory note:

Welcome to Wall Street Tech Daily, a new blog in the BigWideLogic family. This blog is for the downtrodden IT folks stuck overnight writing risk analysis programs. This blog is for the kids in the fishbowl swapping out backup tapes. This blog is for anyone in the financial industry who knows how to use a keyboard and mouse for more than placing buy and sell orders — you know who you are.

Welcome to WallStreetTechDaily.com [WallStreetTechDaily]